Saturday, September 06, 2008

A Turning Of The Page

"Oh, dear. I'm afraid you've made rather a bad enemy of the Wicked Witch."

- Glinda the Good to Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, 1939.

Well, hello, my friends.

When I posted the last batch of lovely photos in the wee hours of the morning, I was making an attempt to be sort of Zen, but this evening, I'm all through Letting Things Be and I'm in the mood for a little venting. It could be that Gardener Crankypants is finally rearing his head, and hopefully you won't be too shocked by this turn of events. But I shall try to keep it amusing, if possible and then we'll move on to other, better things.

You see, now that Drunky McDrunkerson finally got it through his head that I was leaving, we have cast aside the bullshit illusion of "I'm going nowhere without you and I'll never drink again." and he decided to turn it around to save face and throw me out. After a day of silence at work (except for a rather cruel comment about having to put the dog to sleep thanks to my decision to leave...fear not for Em, he has no intention of doing it, only to hurt me with the words...) I came home to him in full intoxication mode, having destroyed every framed photo of us that ever existed...and railing about everything that's wrong with me and my family and my world view.

Yep, he's on the bottle again and actually, I found out he'd never actually left it, which I sort of figured. I have to say, his words don't have the power over me that they once did, I felt no sick to my stomach feeling, nothing gnawing at me, and (since he was chain-smoking throughout the night) only the slightest twinge about wanting a cigarette. (I reached the Fifty Day landmark at 3:00 a.m., and with that approaching, there was no way I was going to give in. And maybe, just maybe, I was enjoying the second-hand thing...)

But no, that power over me is gone and all he really did (though he'd be royally pissed to know it)was offer a curative for the sadness I was feeling about having instigated the break-up. Indeed, I have never seen quite so clearly that I was following exactly the right path and so let him have the rant I knew he needed while I methodically worked through various parts of my environment, packing as I went...pausing here and there for a few Altoids or a sip of water (the humidity of Hanna was already closing in about us).

I slept for a few hours whilst he did the same, and was up bright and early to pack the car - computer first, of course; I know my priorities, bad monitor or not - and was off to the new digs, where I arranged to move in today, ten days early. They were a little disappointed not to have the time to do the cleaning and painting they wanted to in advance of my tenancy, but we worked out a nice deal in that regard...and so now I'll get that done myself, in exchange for no rent 'til the 15th.

My good kharma came back to me when I tried to borrow a friend's van to make better use of my car trips and ended up with a pair of hunky Brazilian friends (perhaps you remember Chicao and Jesu from the party a few weeks back) and the dumptruck from the landscaping company they work at and we made relatively short work of moving my more substantial, what boxes were packed, outdoor furniture, lawn mower, mountain bike, etc.

It was a truly moist day, as I found myself working through a few rather heavy bands of rain, and simply sweating through clothes the rest of the time from the intense humidity in advance of our tropical visitor, Hanna. But I have to say I feel so good about it all. Come what may, I've found the place I need to be, to rediscover who I am and to explore and celebrate the world around me.

There remains more to be done and I will be back there at Not Wisteria Lane again tomorrow, when the Ex is at work and it's easier to get more accomplished in some sense of calm. As it was today, he "helped" by heaping all my remaining stuff into a great pile, edging it all closer to the gathering storm outside, which now must be sorted through before packing. Gee, thanks. I've got most of what's truly important and I'll be back to go through the rest later.

At some point later in the week when he's working, I'll pot up some plants. Most definitely including that amazing canna lily.

I'm glad I thought to root through the kitchen trash last night looking for one or two of those missing photographs, as I discovered that he'd thrown away a few of my fridge magnets, too. Truly, it's a trivial thing, but he's always been bugged by my comic book hobby and so I found the Superman magnet in there...but also another that I bought a year or so ago, that has come to have some deeper meaning for me. Perhaps he realized that this one was somewhat of a catalyst for the decisions I've recently come to.

I'll be putting it on the fridge at the Gardener's Nest tonight when I head home (I'm at work just now--no internet connection has yet been arranged for the new pad), but I'd like to share it's message with you, as I begin this new chapter.

"Live with intention.

Walk to the edge.

Listen hard.

Practice wellness.

Play with abandon.


Choose with no regret.

Continue to learn.

Appreciate your friends.

Do what you love.

Live as if this is all there is."

Mary Anne Radmacher.

(Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a kitty exploring the new nest who'll surely be missing me, and I have some needful things to get at the grocery first before heading home to snuggle in with him and listen to Hanna pass by in the night.

The photo, by the way, features the three things I brought first into the apartment: an angel statue my Granny made in her ceramics class, my African violet, and an elephant with his trunk up for luck, which always reminds me of my dear Aunt Madelyn, who loved elephants as I do, and always encouraged us to find the pleasure in the smallest bit of Life.)


mary anne radmacher said...

greg...choose with no regret.
and you are! congratulations.
i'm honored that my words have inspired you toward healthy decisions and to make the most of the moment you have.

venting aside...and all the reasons why you find yourself in a new home aside...
may you find the best parts of yourself in this new home. and, may it truly be the home that you need and choose.
mary anne radmacher (author, live with intention)

Jess said...

I'm sorry for the whole situation and that it has ended this way, but I'm glad you're moving into a new phase of your life. It's sad to see someone you care about on the losing end of a battle with addiction, but, as I think I wrote in a prior comment, we've seen other friends go through this. It's not easy, but you have to save yourself. You've done what you can to help him, but he's the only one who can conquer the addiction. Whether he does or doesn't in the long run, you have to make the best of your life.

I wish we all lived closer together, so we could come give you a big hug. Take care of yourself, and I hope you enjoy the new place!

(And feel free to vent all you want. It's your blog! There's no requirement that it be all sunshine and happiness!)

Marc said...

Good luck in your new place, Greg; not only your new physical place, but in your new spiritual place. And if you need a little time away, we're not that far from you.

I sense that your strength will get you through all this with flying colors, but know that on those days when you don't think so, there's a whole crowd right here rooting for you. If I had the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Olivia Newton-John, I'd play it for you. (((hugs)))

the proud parents said...

Ah, an honor to be the first comment and to tell you how proud we are of your decision, your perseverance under duress, and your ability to see the light in so many ways. The lightness in your heart and head is apparent in your voice and in your writing. A new life awaits and tiz a wondrous thing.

Anonymous said...

Hey, you did your best, prepared for the worst, and may the winds of Hanna carry the dust out to sea.

Here are some other lines you might find apt, from Kathy Matea:

"I'm walkin' away a winner
Walkin' away from a losin' game
With my pride intact
And my vision back
I can say -- I know where I'm going
And I know I'll be all right --
Walkin' away a winner,
Walkin' back into my life..."

Java said...

Welcome home, Gardener.
May you find strength in the fresh soil to bloom with new vigor and brightness.

dykewife said...

i'm glad you've made the choice and have acted to take care of yourself. alcohol is such a toxic ruiner of relationships and lives :( i have no doubt that you'll be far better off now than with the stress of living with him, walking on egg shells.

you're much cared about, friend.

compost in my shoe said...

Leaving ain't easy, but it certainly makes your wings puff to full + size. Hope the drama subsides and life can be happier and calmer from certain standpoints.

Birdie said...

Turn the page, and a new chapter begins. Let your friends there and here be your support network as you start the new life that you deserve. And congratulations on that other new landmark date on smoking!

tornwordo said...

I wish you all the best on this new path.

Patrick said...

Wow. Hurricanes Hannah and Owen at the same time. What fun. But you sound good, and yes, he may have done you a favor by reverting to Mr Hyde at a key moment. You really do sound good, and yes, helpful hunky Brazilians and extra vehicles are as good an omen as any. The photo posted here already suggests a welcoming, serene place.

The air here today is blissfully cool and dry. I hope the same is true there, or will be soon.

Anonymous said...

To everyone's Superman, (((((Greg))))). May you find all your strength as you move forward and put aside all forms of kryptonite that life had put in your way. Be well!

Anonymous said...

Take care of yourself Greg. I'm sending good thoughts and good karma your way.

Heather Pence

T.R. said...

Congratulations on your first brave steps to a new life. All these changes are growing pains but oh the garden you are seeding. It will bloom like no other. Your courage and bravery are inspiring and contagious. I wish you all the best and look forward to watching you grow.

Jenn Thorson said...

Oh, great googly moogly, Greg! Well, at least you know for sure that the change you'd suspected wasn't going to happen really ISN'T going to happen.

It's such a shame that it's come to this, but so good you decided to make the move out-- and that you are not a man without a home.

Tammy Warren said...

What a lovely site. I enjoyed visiting your blog today.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

As a new reader I can not judge your relationship but as an outsider looking in, it seems like you have made a totally good move on your part and I wish you all the luck with your new life.

I do know of a gay man that had the same problem and like you he finally had enough, it was hard at first and it took a while but now he found someone else and he is much happier than he ever was with the last guy, I know the same will happen for you.

spookydragonfly said...

Hi Greg...I am so truly sorry to hear of all your troubles...from the sound of it you turn the page, it can only get better. I've got you in my thoughts, keep your head up...and isn't it nice to know that we all look up at the same moon? Hang in there..I've went through pretty tough experiences years ago...I know it's easier said than done.

Anonymous said...

So...umm...I was/am missing your comments on another blog I read - thought I would check in..."Whoa!"

I believe that you never really know anyone's true colors until you leave them...or think you are leaving them. In this case, it looks like you are WAY better off!

Until something is buried, surrounded by dirt, can it bloom to show its true colors. Bloom, my friend, bloom.

Butch said...

I'm passing along as much good luck your direction as an Irish man can. May your new direction bring you much peace and joy as well.

Greg said...

Oh, my dear, dear friends and I love you and how wonderful you all are! Thanks for all your support and good wishes and stuff...

Things are good, perhaps really good. This no internet access is driving me CRAZY, though...I've got tons of stuff to show and tell. A little coming soon.

Peace and love to you all!

Greg said...

And Mary Ann!! The woman behind the magnet! What a special honor to have you comment here on this auspicious post.

Thank you so much for your words; they state it all so clearly...and I read them every day!

babs said...


Love to you and the cat in this time of transition. Though it be crazy right now and not an easy thing to be doing, it sounds as if you're handling things as best as possible.

Alan said...

I've been clean and sober over a year now and reading this is another reminder for me to stay that way...

3 in a relationship doesn't work....especially when one of the 3 is addiction.

TigerYogiji said...

I am sorry that you had to deal with that drama at the end, but, glad that it was nothing worse. I do worry about your dog though. Hopefully she'll be okay? Sending good thoughts your way, Hon! ((HUGS))

Wonder Man said...

Greg stay strong, I hope things get better

dec0r8or said...

My dear Greg, apparently it has been WAY too long since I visited your blog. (Perhaps I am too wrapped up in ME?!) I'm sorry to hear about your break-up, but very happy for you that you made the tough decision to move on and start over. I was there, and I know how difficult it is, but I also know the weight that is lifted when you make the choice to leave. Don't you feel lighter now? Fly, Greg, fly... We'll be here to hear the wind through your wings.